Maybe it’s one person reading it 5 times in a day. Or there’s like a network of fans who all tell each other UPDATE THERE IS AN UPDATE. How strange.

I do not know what to do. About anything. And it is getting in the way of revision because I feel too messed up and angry and sad to concentrate, and when my exams roll round and I fail I won’t have to worry about what to do, because I will be left with just one option.

I was mean today, but I’m tired of being taken for a ride, and of women playing their stupid little predictable games as always, and thinking that they can get what they want through sheer moral pressure. I don’t care if I made her cry; she is not going to get her own way through manipulation. I have been manipulated from the start, and I don’t even feel like this is our relationship – it is her relationship, and I am just one of the play things in the story. I feel like it has gone on too long to be fixed now; two years sort of ingrains the pattern, the rules of the ‘relationship’. She probably wouldn’t even want it if we truly managed to change it to how it should be, suddenly realising that I am nothing like how she thinks I am in her head, and she is not allowed to imagine I am, and she has to do things selflessly and accept when she can’t have what she wants, without complaint, without stupid attempts to force me into doing things her way. She wouldn’t be able to cope with the fact that I am not the ‘man’, she is not the ‘woman’, dyke/femme, whatever other terms are more appropriate for each position. I probably wouldn’t even want it; I don’t feel like I deserve equality, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I was genuinely having my needs put first. I don’t think I know how to get out of this role. I don’t know what to do. I want to be with her. But I can’t tolerate being with her as we are. My body physically can’t take it any more, it’s reacting all by itself to the shittiness of it all and I can’t try and restrict it. And I don’t know how to make it right. And I don’t think she is capable of making it right on her part. She thinks she’ll lose weight and suddenly everything will be magically better. The irony; you would think she of all people, having ME for a girlfriend, who has done stupid stupid stupid things to lose weight and is still struggling with her eating issues even now, would realise weightloss does not solve anything. But no, she is convinced that is the way forward. I don’t care about appearances. I care about personality, I care about truth and loyalty and logic and confidence and words. I care about equality. I care about understanding. Our relationship, at present, has NONE of those qualities on one person’s side. I read that as not even having a relationship.

Every day I am sitting on the bus to or from college and moving house pops up in my mind and I feel like I want to cry thinking about it. So I end up turning my music up really loud to block it all out to make sure I don’t snivel everywhere. I have a history of getting emotional on public transport for some reason.

I am so terrified of not getting into Sussex for philosophy that I think I will do something drastic on results day if I don’t get in. Serious. I don’t know whether I should make arrangements with my doctor in advance to warn them that I am going to get messed up. Not that they would bother to do anything, they never do. I just feel like I need some safety net in place for when it all goes wrong because I will have no control over myself, and in my current sane state of mind I know I don’t want to come to any harm, but when I’m there I won’t be able to recognise that and it will all go downhill very very very quickly. I need someone I can trust to look out for me, but I don’t think I have anyone left who I DO trust, so I’m fucked. I don’t know who to ask. I hate that I have no one I feel like I can ask that of. I know it’s a burden to thrust my problems on people, but when I have been in that position for others I have gladly taken it on because I want to help them and I know I can, and I wish I had someone who felt like that for me, who was close enough to me so I could accept that.. it makes me sad that I’m not close enough to anyone any more to feel comfortable with them looking after me.

This is an extremely ‘up myself’ statement, but I have had many days since being at SEEVIC where I have sat there and LONGED for an intellectual conversation. I’m not saying everyone’s stupid, because very few people there are actually stupid, but the vast majority do not make use of their potential. Not that I do either, I’ve wasted away for the most part, but I miss being able to sit down and discuss things with people, proper things, not music or tv shows or random bullshit but philosophical and ethical things, thoughts about the world. The few times these opportunities have arisen, the people arguing their points have done so with no logic but ‘I think it and daddy thinks it and therefore I must be right’. No one introduces new ideas or twists on ideas, they just repeat what they’re heard on tv, in the papers or out their parents’ mouths. It’s not a college thing – most people were like that in school too – but it seems more obvious in college because there were a couple of people in school who talked about stuff like this properly with their own ideas, whereas I have found pretty much no one in college. I miss THINKING. If I hadn’t taken philosophy I think I would have withered away and died and settled in for my lifelong career at Subway.

This whole year is so difficult, I feel like I’m having all the hard stuff thrown at me at once. A Levels, moving to a new area, moving to uni, pets dying, relationships failing, parents being operated on (that is harder for her than me though, so I shant pity myself over that), the realisation that there is little to nothing to stay here for despite living here for 15 years and trying desperately hard to make and keep friends. 15 whole years and nothing to show for it. That is so sad and so pathetic. I feel like my life is just being wasted and I can’t even do anything about it because I just suck as a person and it can’t be fixed.

EMO BLOG. I know. I’ve been trying to avoid it. I failed.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

1x crate Pepsi Max
1x Meat Feast Quiche (get 2 if you are male/have an unhealthy appetite)
1x jar of instant coffee + kettle (for the evenings when the pepsi kick just isn’t enough). I recommend Gold Blend. Feel free to switch this up with *real* coffee if you are not a peasant like myself and can afford such things.
1x A4 500 sheet notepad
All the notes you can find that you have taken in the last year
All your textbooks, arranged by difficulty
Somewhere both quiet and comfortable. (Optional; if, like me, you end up having to work in a house filled with bellowing and screaming adults, sitting on the cold hard floor…well, stick it out soldier – it can’t be much different to how it’ll be when you have to revise for your uni exams next year!)

STEP ONE
Organise your notes, scrapping anything rubbish/illegible due to your numerous caricatures of Plato/Durkheim/Marx/Brown and Levinson scribbled all over it, grouping all pages into subtopics. Place topic summaries at the front, practise papers and past essays at the back, voila! You have a vague revision guide in place.

STEP TWO
Read through all your notes, slowly. If there is a doodle on the page, think back to that lesson – did anything particularly interesting/funny happen that day? Reminisce, laugh, sigh wistfully, LINK THAT MEMORY TO THE WORDS ON THE PAGE! All of a sudden you find everything linked to that memory will remain crystal clear in your head*

*this works for me, not sure about normal, sane individuals who don’t sit there laughing to themselves over stupid memories

STEP THREE
Crack open that first pepsi dammit!

STEP FOUR
Mind maps are your friend :) USE THEM FOR EVERYTHING. Every subtopic, stick it in a bubble in the middle of the page and write everything you can remember from reading your notes just now. When you’re sure you’ve written everything you can think of, skim through your notes and see if you can add any more. Then, get out the magical textbook, skim through that and see if you can add anything from there. Do this for all of your subtopics. Since they’re made up of keywords, they’ll make everything easier to remember and easier to process for the exam, since your answers will just be building on those keywords.

STEP FIVE
Have a dance to a few good songs, might I suggest Bodysnatchers by Radiohead? :) A bit of Daft Punk? Patrick Wolf? Prodigy? (Maybe not the Prodigy, you might get overexcited)

STEP SIX
From memory, rewrite those mindmaps out onto an A4 page, adding more detail as you go along. If you can’t do it by memory…YOU SUCK, DRINK MORE CAFFEINE AND GET BACK ON THE HORSE NOW BEFORE YOU GET TRAMPLED OK?

STEP SEVEN
Ohhhhhh heyyyyyyy it’s practise paper timeeeeeee!
You won’t do this timed though. Get the paper out, get your textbook out, and work through it as slow as you like, making sure you get all the information you need, like you did (read: should have done) when you wrote your homework essays in class. It is also highly recommended to use the mark scheme while you write this, you lucky bitch, so if you feel something is missing after your efforts refer to the mark scheme and change your answers to adhere!

STEP EIGHT
Real practise papers! The first one can be un-timed, it is more important to get the information in your head. After that it’s preferable to try and do them timed, but! personally I believe exam conditions and revision conditions are too different for this to really work. In exams the pressure and adrenaline makes you work 50x harder and faster than you could in a timed revision session. But, if you just want to get a feel for the time, which is always useful in those shitty 1hr exams that go by far too fast, it is definitely useful.

STEP NINE
Actual exam day. Get up early, get to school/college early, find somewhere nice and quiet to revise before you have to go to your exam. For me this is the field, which is lovely in the summer and doesn’t usually offer too much distraction from other people. Plus it’s near the exam hall, so when the time comes I can just get up and pretty much be in the queue to go in. Find your own equivilant. And if you go to SEEVIC…fuck off that’s MY revision spot! Anyway, you remember those lovely little mind maps and detailed lists you made before? Bring em. That’s your revision material. Looks too simple, right? But seriously, that is all you need if you’ve done the tasks right. If you feel like reading them isn’t going to make the data stay in your head…write them out again! Make sure to look over the key concepts and examples – evaluation can often be made up on the spot so don’t worry about remembering those points as much. You are now ready for your exam. Good luck!

Useful tips:
It helps if you have actually turned up to and listened in lessons previous to this, since you can’t revise from notes you don’t have. This method is limited in it’s use to help you learn things the first time round, but IT IS POSSIBLE – just don’t expect to get an A, maybe a B maximum.
Don’t do this the night before the exam and stay up stupidly late – you will be so tired that your short term memory won’t function therefore making any revision pointless. Been there, done that, taking the resits this summer. You have been warned. Of course, if you are satisfied with getting a C or low B then maybe this is not such a bad idea for you guys.

I take no responsibility for your failure if, despite using this method, you still mess up :P

This morning I dug out my old pair of capri jeans because it was hot. Every year when it gets hot, I dig them out, struggle to put them on and then walk around with them cutting in all day, which defies the point of them being ‘more comfortable’ in the heat I suppose, but hey, I’ll go to great lengths to fool myself into thinking I’m not fat. Today, however, this did not happen. I was bloated. I slid them up my thighs, waiting for the tightness and the pulling and the desperate struggle to get the zip to the top, or at least half-way…I waited…waited…and it never came. They FIT me. And I was bloated.

I have no idea how this is possible considering the sheer amount of fat I have consumed recently.

However, this is a glorious day :D

The fact that this is the only news I have to report here goes to show just how relaxed/boring my Easter break is so far.

I need to wake up, I’ve been waiting all week to go out tonight and now I’m too tired and lazy to go :( Stupid falling-asleep-at-3am-and-waking-up-at-8am. I mean, what is this, a college night? >:[

Oh, I do have one bit of news. I have been mistaken for a boy twice in the last 24 hours, and I haven’t even been out very much. I don’t even look that boyish, and my dress sense doesn’t reflect it particularly – I mean, a tshirt and jeans could be worn by either sex. I don’t know whether to be flattered or sad :(

You see a picture of a tongue or penis being split and you barely flinch, but you see a picture of a girl with an octopus in her mouth and freak the fuck out!

My brother is moving out today for the billionth time, but this time it is forever since he wants to stay round here when we move away. The house smells like that mouldy cardboard moving smell, and a bit like Christmas wrapping too.

I think I played too much Sims 2 last night because one of my fingers is aching like a bitchhh. I’m not sure if ache is the right word, it’s more like a shooting pain every time I use it, on the bottom half of it. Guhh. Trust me to strain myself playing Sims. Not a hardcore game to boast injuries about, no, it had to be the Sims. What. A. Loser.

This is very much a random fragmented blog today. Random isn’t the right word, sorry, but, to the viewer it may seem random, that’s what I mean. I get annoyed when people use the word random when it’s really not, cos I am a GEEK GEEK GEEK about language. God forbid what I’ll be like if I end up doing a linguistics degree after all, hah.

Char is coming down at 9pm. It is 3pm. My room is a shithole. And I’m too tired/lazy to do anything about it. I am quite possibly one of the least motivated people in the world right now. I would pay someone to come round and give me a kick up the bum to do things, and I reckon it would be worth every bloody penny. Might resort to that at uni, put aside a bit of my student loan especially :(

PEOPLE OF WORDPRESS: I love you all already! <3

I am in the library…again…avoiding work, again…actually, I have done plenty of work recently so nehhhh. I have very much almost finished my coursework, and we are allowed to work on it some more in our two weeks off so life is good. And I WILL do work this half term. Out of sheer boredom and lack of funding, most likely, but still, work is work no matter what the reason.

Don’t you love those moments where, you have been feeling so angry at someone, but haven’t said a word because you’re scared you’re being overcritical, and then some other person happens to sit down at the same time and announce exactly what you’re thinking. And suddenly this big wave washes over you and you are relieved that actually, no, you are NOT the only person feeling that way, you are NOT being unfair to judge that person for being a total cow, and you are just a perfectly normal human being. Bitchy, yes, but some people really do deserve to be bitched about. As long as it’s very very justified I see no problem personally! And I would expect other girls to bitch about me if I gave them a very good reason too. I had one of these moments yesterday. I was getting so so frustrated in college, but this cleared quite a bit of it up, thank godddd. The irony is, I try really hard to just deal with people I dislike, but for some reason pretty much everyone I dislike is ridiculously immature, and this means that even with just a month or so left of college, they still have to keep acting like bitchy superior brats, thinking everything that is not their opinion is WRONG, despite heaps of evidence to prove otherwise. And I eventually crack. I shant go into detail, since obviously this is not a private blog…but yes, there is only so much I can put up with. It scares me that these kinds of people are going to university soon, or hell, probably straight to work since they don’t even turn up to half their lessons. I hope I don’t live with people like this at uni. I don’t know how I’d put up with them for the entire year!

/END BITCH

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Hurry up easter break! I need some chocolate therapy and some travelling :(

Please :D

I keep repeating one of my favourite quotes – “Procrastination is like masturbation – you’re only fucking yourself” – but alas it is not working :(

I need some reward at the end of the tunnel! Some reason deeper than ‘to get it out of the way’! Any suggestions? Other than ‘if you dont do it you will come out with an E at ALevel and not get into uni’. Actually, that’s quite a good one. Hmmm.

I’ve had no sleep so at least I have that excuse. Stupid clocks going forward means instead on 1 hour of sleep on a Sunday night/Mon morning, I get 0 hours. And I was having a strange evening, full of too much imagination. And I opened the curtains and lay down on my bed and looked at the stars, while listening to The Stars by Patrick Wolf and thinking dangerous thoughts, and it was amazing. But dangerous thoughts are not what I need right now. That’s the only word I can think of to describe them, too, heh.

I am far too amorous at present :(

And also I am a Library Pervert. Well, mental one anyway. I need to stop staring at people and DO SOME WORK!

I believe everyone is bisexual and it depends on how open-minded you are, how bound to societys norms and values you are and also your experiences with each gender. That’s not to say ‘Oh I’ve been cheated on by three men I’m gonna be a lesbian!’, more ‘Oh the most profound and enlightening experiences I’ve had have been with women, I am ridiculously close to a  certain woman etc etc’, and this may give you more of an inclination, for example. I believe if you are genuinely openminded, subconsciously, not intentionally, then you can fall in love with anyone, and biological gender is no issue – we can all do mostly the same things, and the things we can’t do are made up for by things only we CAN do. We’re all human, we all (mostly) think the same things, want the same things, do the same things. So why should genitalia be a reason to restrict a relationship between two people who can work so well together and love each other as strongly – or more – than that of a ‘heterosexual’ opposite sex couple?

Despite this, I generally identify myself as a lesbian. I slip into the whole lesbian culture far too easily, and I certainly don’t see myself as slipping into hetero culture at all; if I sit down in class in a group of obviously very straight very girly girls, I will feel…ridiculously separate to them all. I generally find myself attracted solely to women, except on rare occasions, and when I do fall for a man, it is not really for appearance, more for the power he holds – it will usually either be a musician or comedian, or if it’s someone I know in real life, someone who is extremely confident, and usually with a strong sense of humour. That also happens to be what I find most attractive in women (yes, I’m doomed :[ ), but they have the added advantage of me enjoying their appearance too.

So yes, the last two days I am having one of my annual bi phases, and because I feel so separate to the whole hetero thing, this never fails to confuse the fuck out of me :D In this case, again, it is only for famous people (thank god! I couldn’t deal with a proper man crush right now). I think it’s a hormonal thing today, I just miss having someone all powerful to lust over (and Char is off in Clackers so I can’t jump on her :[ ). Booooo! I will of course be making the most of this and enjoying it as best as possible, rather than worrying ‘WHAT IF I’M ACTUALLY STRAIGHT’ like I have done in the past >.<

Reading tickets go on sale tomorrow! and I don’t have enough money really but oh well! :D Ohhhhhhh please please please be Radiohead! I found the gorgeous tent I want already – TENT TENT - a bit of a step up from the 10 quid one I got from Tescos last year that we ended up not taking home out of sheer laziness and pissed-off-ness! And I have things from last year to take, and know what NOT to take this year, so it should work out a bit cheaper and pain-free this time round. YAYYYYY something to look forward to again :D And I just want to run around in the sun very very drunk and dance to music and dance with Char and lie next to the fire in the evening eating BBQ bacon butties while talking to fellow drunken strangers ^___^

TIME FOR COURSEWORK
WORKWORKWORKWORK

Then L Word Season 6 :o for I started watching it last night and was hooked! and also impressed with the camerawork, which shows just how geeky I am lol.

“And when I said that ‘You broke my heart’…I wasn’t talking about you, darling.”

Oh Jenny <3 I think I’m the last person on earth still in love with her. And I am really into the word ‘darling’ right now.

So far I have been on livejournal, xanga, blogspot (briefly) and myspace, since 2003, and now I find myself here on wordpress, and damn I’m impressed! THERE ARE SO MANY BUTTONS TO CLICK! It feels like Christmas to get a new blog space, so excuse me if I click too many things or get a bit overexcited in general :)

Why am I here? Well, I was last on myspace, and I hate myspace and the majority of people who use it (not them personally of course, I’m sure they’re all lovely people, but that kind of setting brings out the worst in people, including myself). I’m not entirely sure what they were doing to the editor – or why- but it was becoming unusable, because you’d type in breaks between paragraphs and then publish it and it would be a massive block of text again for no apparent reason. The link to What I’m Listening to NEVER worked. It updated and cleared your views for the week at stupid times of night because it was too American. Oh and the fact I wrote too much shit on there about myself. I am moving to new pastures soon (whether they will be greener pastures, I am currently unsure of at present) and I want to leave all the rubbish stuff behind, and that includes ramblings from when I was sad and when I was struggling with things, because it’s not something I want to remind myself or anyone else of. This roughly translates to: BYE BYE EMO BLOG. Although I am hardly an emo, despite my sociology teacher’s stereotyping :)

So, quick update for those who may not know me!

MEMEMEMEMEME!

Suzanne Langton
30/09/90 – this makes me 18 years old and nearly 6 months :D
5ft 4 apparently
Female
Born: London
Current location: Southend-on-sea, Essex, UK
Education: In college studying English Language, Philosophy and Sociology A-levels (with just a couple of months to go ’til final exams noooo!)
Orientation: Queer (iow: YAY WOMEN but I believe everyone is at least a little bit bisexual, depending on how openminded you allow yourself to be)
Aspirations: Get into university. Fall in love. Do some crazy things inbetween these two goals :]

I am the pretty one on the right :P Ignore the girl growing on my face, I’m getting treatment for that soon.

I will soon be moving away to a town called Great Yarmouth in Norwich, which is scaring the shit out of me and will no doubt be documented here in great depth. I’ve lived in Southend since I was 5 and although everyone is leaving for uni anyway, it scares me that they can come back to a place called home and I will have to go to another new place where I am equally lost. I also feel like I have some unfinished business here, but does anyone ever feel completely satisfied when they move onto a new stage in their life?

UNI UNI UNI. I have my heart set on moving to Brighton for my education, so I applied to University of Sussex and Brighton University, and got offers for both and placed them as firm and insurance respectively. I applied for English Language and Linguistics, then realised that I should have applied for Philosophy as I pretty much cream myself in that lesson at how awesome it is, but didn’t do anything about it and left my application as is. Then YESTERDAY I discovered my current course at Sussex does not exist! Whaaaaa-? Yeah, after all this time they decided to close the department, because they’re in debt, despite the fact it is one of the top linguistics departments in the country – ranked 2nd to Cambridge by the Times! But they gave me an option of switching courses…and I have put down philosophy, although I am not guaranteed to be accepted for it. But the requirements are AAB-ABB which is less than my current course, so I have a fair chance I suppose. I don’t want to have to write another personal statement though, and I won’t get in if they make me keep an AAB offer still :( booooooo. I hate UCAS, and no doubt that will be documented here greatly too.

I have a lovely girlfriend, her name is Char.

She’s a redhead now. I like redheads :D

By some ‘coincidence’, she is also going to University of Sussex [I SAID I WAS GOING THERE FIRST BLAH BLAH etc etc - we are not That Couple who decide to go to uni together, although I would be more than happy to live with her] to study English Literature and Media. Crazy fooooool! We have been long distance for about two years now, and it’s turbulent and people seem to think they have the right to judge us for being angry and mean to each other every other week – well I’d like to see them try and deal with a long distance relationship for so long and stay sane! Never mind all the other crap we deal with. It’s ok though, most of those people are either single or stuck in a relationship that they complain about – or, their partner complains about, lol. Therefore their opinions are even MORE irrelevent and stupid :D And we are getting better and things are good. YAY.

This is already a long entry, sorry! Maybe I gave you some idea of who I am. Probably not. Oh well. I want to post more pictures in my blogs, and happier posts and more of my random philosophical 3am rambles, those are the things I love to do but never really bothered with in the end on my last blog. I want to prove that not every 18 year old Essex girl is a slag or a yob, not every lesbian is thick or a slut or just downright evil (well…), not every teenager deserves the criminalisation and general crap spewed by the media about ‘the youth of today’. I probably won’t achieve any of that – I’m just a random girl writing stuff on a laptop – but maybe it will enlighten an individual or two who previously assumed all of that. Media vs Media seems to be the only chance anyone has of changing things in the world.